*Sigh...*

Sometimes, I really wish this life wasn't so hard. However, that's not reality. There are times when I am utterly and completely content with what God has given me, right in that moment; but, there are other moments when I stray from His plans, and lose track of what really matters. Those are the times when I feel lonely, and melancholy.

Everything that has been going on is all so distracting! Money, grades, work, friends, and mixed up emotions! And every time I seem to be at a good place with God, one of those distractions pop up! I know that God is there to listen when I need someone to talk to, when I need to confess my mistakes, to take the burden from me, but I'm finding it hard to do so. Why is it so hard to go to my knees and pray to my Father! Why do I want things that can't provide for me like He can?

Abba, Father! Help me!

Dare to Reach

Hands lifted, reaching for You,
releasing all my fear and doubt.
I'm falling down before You
and as my knees hit the floor,
all this confusion falls away.

The dark ones I once feared
are now cowering in a corner.
They thrash their teeth in a desperate attempt
to make me stumble,
but I can taste their fear.

There on my knees, my head bowed low,
I am strengthened by Your light.
There's nothing they can do now-
nowhere they can hide.
This battle has begun.

As each of us gathers,
His army grows stronger.
Our voices blend into one
as the trumpets sound the charge.
His light is our armor, and prayer our sword.

"Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light."
~Norman B. Rice

Dead Man

Oh, Save me Lord!
I'm bleeding from the inside,
My body racked with pain, but
I'm just a dead man.

The heat of my aversion
Spills onto the floor
And leaves me there insensate
Lying on the carpet.

A lifeless lump I lay there,
My ardor a cold and chordate lump.
That tumor's left inside, and I
Can't find a heartbeat

Please let Your message fill my lungs
With words as soft as zephyrs.
Only the sound of Your voice can
Make me breathe.

No more will I lay there
Just the same as before.
Fashion me, a new creation,
I want to be a new man!

This rough and dirty pile of clay
Sits there distorted and ashamed.
I'm ready for your muse, cause I'm
Tired of the old one.

My aim has been self-serving,
Futile aspirations lead me here.
You know what You are doing, so
Out with the old plan!

My Real Home

I cut it off and shut the door;
didn't want to feel any more.
The feelings left, and hope had died,
But there was still a spark inside.

I looked around and felt alone;
dreams, like corpses, dead and gone.
The future far, and out of reach,
but You had something left to teach.

There was a greater love to know;
it filled me with a comfy glow.
And then I realized Your plan
to not be loved by just a man.

Your arms reached out and circled me;
I knew I was where I should be.
By Your embrace, You let me know:
No matter where I am, You're home.

Amazing Grace

Amazing Grace,

How Sweet the Sound...

For a day in your courts is better than a thousand. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness. The Lord will give grace and glory; No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly. O Lord of hosts, blessed is the man who trusts in You! Ps. 84:10-12

God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping

God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything

~ Tim Hughes

My Amazingly Vampire Weekend (so far)

This Friday night was absolutely amazing! It started out with a road trip to Portland to see a Vampire Weekend concert with some friends. One girl with us came to see if she could buy a ticket at the venue. This is where all the fun begins! Long story short, we used the wrong directions and ended up parking somewhere with a cheep price. However, we had no clue where we were! So we ended up asking these two girls on bicycles with carts if they knew where the Crystal Ballroom was. (that was our venue)

They told us that the Crystal Ballroom was 2 blocks over and 10 blocks up! There was no way we were going to get there in time, but then... The girls told us they were a taxi service and that they would take us there! So we rode in bicycle taxis for 12 blocks and got there in time for the concert! It was absolutely amazing! By chance, we just happened to meet someone who could get us there even faster than we could!

So when we finally got there, all the tickets were sold out! Our friend had no place to go and we didn't just want to leave her there! We had no idea what to do! So one of the bouncers let her in for free and said that it was his random act of kindness for the day! What an amazing thing to do! So she got in for free and we went up!

Once we got up to the stage, we only had to wait 15 min. for the concert to start. After the opening bands were done Vampire Weekend took the stage! AAAAHHHHHH! It was amazing!

In case you didn't know who these guys are... They're a band from NY and they aren't very well known yet, but they are amazing!

Their concert was full of energy! The concert was sooooo good, I can't decide if their concert, or album is better! They played up on stage for so long that they played every song that they've ever recorded!


We all had sooooo much fun it still makes me all excited just thinking about the night we had! It was amazing to see God at work in our night too! All the people He put in our path that were able to help us, it just amazes me! God protected us and guided us even while going to a concert! What a wonderful God I have!

First Week of School

TGIF!!!! I am finally done with my first week of school here at Corban, and let me tell you, it was a crazy week!

Monday: Everyone else that wasn't a freshman moved in! I finally got to see everyone, including my roommate, and it was wonderful! I also received a wonderful surprise: One of my best friends, who wasn't supposed to be back ended up coming! It was amazing! Malorie (my roommate) and I got our room all set up and all of her things unpacked, then I went and helped out at the Freshman BBQ.

Tuesday: I was able to sleep in, and then went to breakfast with some friends, hung out and caught up on everyone's summer. Then later, we started "The 10th Kingdom", which is an eight hour miniseries that we watch once a semester! It was amazing as always! Later that night we went to an all campus dorm meeting called "All together Tuesday" and watched one of the RA's do an amazing Batman impersonation.

Wednesday: First day of classes! I went to Women's circuit training @ 8, then came back did stuff around the room, got ready and did devotions. Then I shoveled food down my throat @ 11:30 and went to Life Science @ 12, where it's hard not to fall asleep with a prof. that has a monotone voice. Then I moved on to 20th Century Amer. Lit. @ 1 and World Thought and Culture, with my fav prof. @ 3! We went to dinner and watched some more of the 10th Kingdom, and then went to bed.

Thursday: Woke up @ 7, but since I didn't have class 'till 9, I had an hour of prayer and devotion, which was wonderful! Then I went to my dreaded Baptist Heritage class @ 9 and found out that it may not be all that bad. Next I went to my Child and Adolescent Development class @ 10:30, then went to Observation and lab @ 3. After all that, I had dinner and read about 60 pgs. of homework and went to bed!

Friday: Today I woke up and spent an hour at devotions again, finished my WTC reading and then went to Bush Park to take roommate pics with Malorie! It was a beautiful day and the gardens were gorgeous! Then we went to this amazing little Asian restaurant called Soba which has Vietnamese, Chinese, Thai, and Japanese food all at really good prices! We left downtown and got to school just in time for me to get to my Amer. Lit class @ 1 and then had about an hour break in which I hiked all the way down to the on campus apartments and back because of a wrong adress, then went to WTC again!

Now that I've told, in detail, what my week was like, I plan to enjoy my weekend! The weather is beautiful and I get to go to a pretty interesting sounding church on Sunday, and then play some frizbee!

Start of Shool

I cannot begin to describe how I feel at this moment, but I'm going to try. One side of me wanted to stay home. Being with everyone, continuing to develop friendships, being there for my sister, not getting to see my brother play his freshman year, all of these make me feel like I want to stay! I miss my family sooooo much!

On the other hand, School feels like home too! Although some of my friends won't be here this year, there are still plenty of friends that are a part of my life that I have missed this summer! I was walking through campus and it felt sooooo good to be back! I get to start working on my goals again, and when I'm here, I feel like I'm doing what God wants me to be doing with my life. Each new year here at Corban is another step closer to the future He has for me, and that makes me feel at peace.

Right now, I'm just waiting for all the non-freshmen to get here! Working at orientation brings back so many memories of last year! And again, I am amazed at how God worked in my life! It's really neat to be able to see all of these new students coming, excited, and even anxious, but sooooo ready to make memories of their own! I hope God blesses us all in our new year of school and that we will take advantage of all the things that He gives us to further His kingdom!

Oregon Caves

So during the incredibly hot weather this week, my friend Ashley and I went to the Oregon Caves. It was a glorious 44 degrees inside the caves! I hadn't been up there since I was in 3rd grade, and it was very interesting to see the changes, not in the cave itself, but in the way I viewed the cave. I don't remember really having to duck at all, but this time, I was hunched over doing the 'caveman walk' for a good half of the tour!
Instead of noticing what everything looked like, the thing I noticed most was the sound! (or lack of it) It was sooooo quiet in there! It kind of reminded me of the sort of quiet when it snows. There was an absolute stillness inside, that should have been scary or creepy, but instead was very peaceful and reassuring! It's amazing to see how something so big and mysterious could be created by a stream and little drops of water! And none of it was created by accident! God meant for it to be there and new exactly what drop of water would form which stalagmite or stalactite. Noting is a secret to God, even something deep beneath a mountain!

Marks to Remember

My soul cried out,
the pain too much to bare.
The heart that I had so carefully revealed
was now a wounded piece of flesh.
All that I had given:
my trust, my friendship, my love
Was tossed aside,
discarded and forgotten.

Now where my heart and soul should be
is left a hard and cold cage.
The anger and hatred gnashed its fangs
and slowly ate away the parts of me I knew best.
This beast inside raged against my cage
pushing and bending the bars to my limit.
I have kept the beast at bay,
but its bondage can only last so long.

Pushing at my cage, the beast longs to be free,
to reopen wounds scabbed over by time.
Its howls bring flashes of memories,
the regrets tearing through my confines.
Each moment relived claws through me,
etching the pain to my heart.
This beast, if let free, will consume me
bit by bit 'till there is nothing left but carcass.

I want to be free of this monster!
to be free of the heartache and regret!
There is a peace that calls to me
and soothes my aches and pains.

As I try to push the beast away
it clings on, nails digging deep
But He grabs it by the tail and rips it from me.
parts of me go with it as He flings it aside.

Instead of gaps, or scabs and scars,
there is flesh remade, perfect and whole.
As I run my hand over the old wounds
i find nothing but faint red marks.
Marks to teach me, mold me,
He left the marks behind so I might remember.

Now I must remember, but move on
not held back, but newer and stronger than before.

Peace of Mind

So the other day I watched a pretty interesting movie. It had way too much sexual stuff, but the last scene really got me thinking...



This scene made me think what "it's" really all about. To someone who doesn't know Christ, and even for some who do, the good life can still be really unsettling! If I don't live every day, every moment, living my life for Christ, then everything is meaningless! Money, clothes, cars, even relationships are nothing without God! It just struck me wile watching this. How sad it is that people live their lives without knowing the peace of mind that God gives us!